Recently there have been lots of insights and realisations in all the best ways. In some ways, it feels like things are finally all falling into place and I feel like I’m being myself in a way I never have before. At 45, if I dwell on it, I wonder what took so long, but realistically I do have some understanding of that and am just happy to be here now.

Many years ago, I mused to my then husband that I didn’t always feel like I was a ‘real’ woman. Apparently this was insulting to him as a man or some such thing so I heard the message loud and clear that I shouldn’t think these things, or at least not speak them out loud. And I didn’t. For a long time.

The thing is, I don’t tick a lot of the boxes that would mark me in our culture as being feminine. I hate wearing make up and finally stopped doing so several years ago now. I much prefer pants to skirts or dresses and I don’t particularly care for doing my nails and other such things. Because of things like this I mostly just felt like a ‘bad’ or ‘failed’ woman. I just wasn’t good at it, I figured.

Over the past several years, I have done a lot of reading and learning about gender and have spent time with and listened to various people who are transgender and/or non binary. Listening to and reading other people’s stories and processes is really helpful in many aspects. I thought about why I felt the way I did and if maybe I wasn’t actually a woman. Tried those ideas on for size. But they didn’t fit me.

One thing I have learned is that all those superficial things, like make up and clothing, are not what make us any particular gender at all. Honestly this was fantastic news to me. I have realised that while I might not be super into fashion, makeup, and other things that are seen as synonymous with femininity in our culture, I actually resonate deeply with womanhood and know that I definitely am a woman. The term ‘lady’ on the other hand does not resonate at all, and makes me feel really uncomfortable and detached if it’s used toward me.

A couple of weeks ago, I did a singing masterclass with Clare Bowditch. The song in the clip above is one of the ones we worked on that day and sang in the evening at our concert. The lyrics speak to me deeply. Her voice and harmonies are beautiful too. It was one of the most wonderful experiences of my life and I’m so glad I had the opportunity. And so glad that I had done all the work stemming from the IE course so that when it came up I grabbed at it.

~ B


It’s the end of another year and another decade. There was a time that I would have written a list of resolutions that I would then dutifully follow out over the coming months, but I’m not that person any more. The changing of the dates is an ideal time to reflect nonetheless.

10 years ago, I was still married, but about to embark on the counselling that enabled me to value myself enough to leave. When I think of who I was back then I barely recognise myself. I was so hard on myself and always setting myself goals to be better. None of them made me or anything else better though.

2015 was the last year that I made a new year’s resolution. It was to learn more about Indigenous people in this country. I started with following @IndigenousX on Twitter and went from there. As it turns out, this is and will be a life long process. It’s probably the best and most beneficial resolution I ever made too. As Australians, we generally know so little about the people who were the custodians of this land we call home before we came and destroyed everything.

2019 has been a year of highs and lows. We lost our dog and my best buddy Massie and my precious nephew Jedi. They were the hardest parts for sure.

For myself though, it’s been a year of growth and consolidation. Haha, those terms make it sound so business like, but that’s not at all what I mean.

After Massie died, I spent a weekend on my own by the beach. I wrote some thoughts at the time and looked back on them yesterday. In less than 6 months I have grown a great deal.

With my son growing up and becoming more independent, along with having worked through all the ‘stuff’ that comes up when you really heal your relationship with food and your body, I’ve started thinking about what I want the rest of my life to look like.

This world is not in a good state right now, and most countries, including ours, are run by people who seem determined to keep it that way. As individuals, it can often feel helpless but I think that the most important thing will can do is build community. Support each other, help each other and reach out.

I’ve realised, as I get to know myself after releasing past demons, that I am very much a ‘people’ person. I met an older woman on the bus the other day and she liked to talk to people and encourage others to accept people who are different to themselves. She wasn’t pushy at all, but just really friendly, kind and welcoming. That’s the kind of person I hope to be too.

With much of the country on fire right now, and our leadership determined to at best ignore it all, it’s going to be more important for us all to come together and help each other.

I don’t have all the answers, or even any answers at all, but I do know that we are stronger together.

I hope that 2020 is a better year for those who have had a tough one.

~ B

Trying out my new keyboard

My old MacBook Air hasn’t been getting much love for a while now. I use my phone for nearly everything so when I have turned it on, it’s been flat. It’s also really old and really slow. But I really don’t need another laptop. I don’t study formally any more and I have a work laptop for work.

So I’ve invested in a bluetooth keyboard that I can use with my phone and honestly, it’s pretty great so far. I can sit it on my lap like I would my laptop and it has a little slot for my phone and all. Yeah, I think this should work.


So it’s been 2 years since I last blogged and in my recent post I used a bunch of tags that I had used in the past, but something has changed. Previously I had only a very small number of followers but those that did follow were genuinely interested and would interact on occasion.

After my return post a few weeks back, I received a bunch of new followers, every single one of which had weight loss bullshit as the main theme of their blog.

So I guess blogging here has someone succumbed to the ridiculous side of Instagram where number of followers seems to be more important than quality content and building of community. People follow without reading in the hopes of getting a follow back.

To be honest, it put me off and I wasn’t sure whether to continue blogging here or not. The thing is, for a few reasons, one of which I will elaborate more on at a later date, this is something I want to do right now. Primarily I want to write because it’s something that helps me process my thoughts, but I also know that I have got a lot out of following other people’s journeys and if anyone finds what I write interesting or useful in some way, then cool.

So, this is a short one really just to say that I am back and I will keep blogging. And if anyone is *actually* reading this, intentional weight loss is bullshit, harmful and has nothing to do with health. I am absolutely, unequivocally and staunchly anti diet and fat positive so if you’re looking for weight loss tips or someone else to follow your diet or ‘wellness’ blog, you’ve come to the wrong place. For anyone else, I’ll be back soon to talk more about aphantasia, intuitive eating and other random bits as they come up.

~ B


Close your eyes and picture that you’re on a beach. What do you see?

I don’t see anything, just blackness.

Until recently I thought that was everybody’s experience. I was always confused when, in meditation or similar, people said to picture things. I thought they were being metaphorical though I did wonder what was the point in it.

It turns out aphantasia (the inability to form mental images of objects that are not present) is a thing that approximately 1-3% of people experience and I am one of them.

I’m happy to have learned it’s a thing because it explains a lot. Lots of little frustrating times when I just didn’t ‘get it’ and I couldn’t figure out why. So many times in life that you’re asked to describe what you see when you think of something. I always thought I was doing something wrong.

Having a word and an understanding of how my brain works is pretty freeing. It’s interesting how often ‘visualising’ comes up and now instead of feeling confused I just know it’s not a thing I can do and either come up with a substitute or move on.

I’m still figuring out exactly what this all means, but I’m definitely happy to know and understand finally why all this visualising talk just never made sense to me.

~ B

2 years on


How funny that I have been thinking about blogging again and when I log in I find that it’s exactly 2 years since my last post.

I have recently realised/remembered that I enjoy writing and it’s my favourite way to process stuff. Making the time to sit still to do it is the biggest issue but I need to make that a priority. I have written a journal/diary most of my life.

2 years on I would consider myself quite an entrenched Intuitive Eater. I’m still just as grateful at having come across the concept at the time I was ready to hear it.

I’m several sizes larger than I was when I started and that just is. The only time I have any kind of negative thoughts about that aspect of it all is when I think about what other people might think. Most days I don’t worry too much what other people think but I’m still human and some days are harder than others.

I took this photo the other day and I liked it because I was feeling happy. Later on I thought about how much things have changed. That’s the thing with doing this kind of work, often the changes are so incremental that you don’t necessarily notice them. But it wasn’t that long ago that I would have focussed on my ‘weird’ smile with the crooked teeth and the fat chin. Now I look at a picture like that and I just like that it represents who I am and that I’m okay just as I am.

~ B




Intuitive Eating – Update

IMG_4225I’m now on the last module of Christy Harrison’s Intuitive Eating course, so it seems a good time to reflect on where I’m at and what I’ve learned. I love that the course was self-paced and I could take as long as I wanted to work through and think about each module. It was certainly about more than food, just like the book. It was about really getting to know yourself and getting in touch with your intuition.

For me, the course has definitely met and exceeded any expectations and hopes that I had.

Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch promise in their excellent book that when you become an Intuitive Eater that one of three things will happen. You will lose weight, gain weight, or maintain your current weight. In my case, I have gained weight. I have no idea of the numbers as I don’t weigh myself but I know how clothes fit and I’ve definitely got bigger. Learning to accept this has been a big part of the course for me. But I realise that following the tenets of Intuitive Eating is actually the way for my body to reach its set range, and I can’t tell my body what that range is. That’s just not how it works.

I’m sure that there will still be times when the weight bothers me because I live in this society where we are constantly bombarded with the message that our weight and size determine our value. Like many others before me, I call bullshit on that. But between podcasts, Facebook groups and following a heap of awesome body positive people on Instagram (some time soon I’ll share links of all my favourites) I know that it will only be a temporary glitch and that I’ll get through it and move on. Even though I probably meet less societal standards of beauty than I have at any other time in my life, I feel good about myself and the way I look in a way I never have before. Considering we’ve recently moved into an apartment with a lot of mirrors, including in the kitchen, this is great news!

I don’t think I have any more ‘Honeymoon Periods‘ to deal with. I want to eat balanced meals most of the time and if I feel like chocolate, or a donut, or ice cream, I have it and I don’t feel any guilt about it. It really does make you crave it much less when you take away all restriction. I feel so at peace with many foods that I never could have imagined I would. I’m enjoying cooking and thinking about preparing meals more than I have possibly ever.

As for Intuitive Movement, this has been an interesting process for me. Initially I cut right back on what I was doing fitness-wise as I knew that I had a lot of body composition and weight loss thoughts in my head when I was exercising. I wanted to look strong and fit to be a ‘good vegan advocate’ seeing as this is the message that is so prevalent in the vegan movement.

I did yoga for 2 months, which I did get benefit out of, especially as it was an extremely body positive and accepting class that I joined. A lot of the focus was on having the right to take up space in the world, which was a message that I needed to hear and absorb. But I eventually realised that yoga is just not something I love to do. I can see why other people do, but it’s just not for me.

I’ve cut back on my running compared to what I used to do and am enjoying it much more. I’ve taken the pressure away to be faster and go longer every time I run (another thing I thought I should do to be a better vegan advocate, ugh) and just get up and run as much as I feel like at the time. And it’s so much more fun once you take away the expectations and just enjoy it.

Lifting weights is something else I enjoy but I had to let that go for a while too. I had to wait until those voices in my head weren’t pushing me to focus on all the wrong things. And I love to lift weights because it feels awesome. I honestly don’t care what response my body has in terms of composition because I just love the feeling. And my partner’s kid is a personal trainer and can give advice so I don’t have to sift through weight loss and body building crap to find the information I need. I made the mistake of googling something on it this morning. Won’t do that again.

And how has veganism fit into this whole thing? Honestly for me it’s not even an issue. Animals just aren’t ours to exploit and I could no more eat a chicken or a pig than I could eat my dog. Which is never under any circumstances in case that wasn’t abundantly clear 🙂 And the same goes for eggs and dairy as the harm is at least as high there. To say that I am restricting my diet because I am vegan is like saying that I am restricting my diet because I don’t eat dogs or humans. Technically true in a sense, but completely irrelevant in reality.

Something that has been reiterated during the course and in various podcasts has been the importance of knowing one’s values and living in line with those values. For me this has to unequivocally mean being vegan in the same way that it means being unequivocally feminist and anti-racist and body positive.

All in all, the verdict is pretty darn positive for this Intuitive Eating stuff. In the picture above I am in the city eating a Vego bar which is a delicious fair trade chocolate bar. This is me now. Happy and eating what makes me feel good. I consider myself to be an Intuitive Eater. I feel fantastic physically and mentally. I think my mental health is better than it has ever been at any other point in my life and my physical health certainly isn’t suffering. I feel happier than I’ve ever been and I look forward to what comes next.

~ B